What I Learned in 2014

Another year is coming to a close. I have to say that this year brought more challenges than I cared for but also many blessings. Through the good and the bad God has continued to be faithful, so I thought I would reflect on some of the things I have learned this year. As I sat down to make a list, what I thought would be a few bullet points turned into two pages worth of examples of things that God has shown me this year; two pages of proof that faith grows and matures, even in difficult times. I want to highlight what I think are the five most important things God put on my heart and that I have learned through the course of the year, in hopes that you may feel encouraged in some way from my experiences.

Do the Least of These Know You By Name?

This question was asked of my Colombia team a few years ago and it is a question that has stuck with me. Through high school, college, social media exposure, etc. we seem to be concerned with who knows us and how many people know us. We want to be known but are we trying to be known by the right people in the right ways?

Last year in Guatemala I met a 9 year old girl in the Guatemala City dump community that I made a connection with (first, because we have the same name). This summer I happened to run into her again the first day we were there. It turns out I got to see her every day for the rest of the week. Our group would arrive and the children would crowd our bus. As soon as I would step off the bus the children would call out for Jennifer, knowing that her and I were friends. Jennifer would push her way through the other kids and give me a big hug. It touched me that this girl would pick me out to pursue a friendship with me out of everyone, and the other children noticed. It brought me back to the question of if the poor know me by name; if I have a relationship with them. 

The whole point of the trips I've taken to Latin America over the last five years is to reach out to the least of these, but what about in my every day life? Is my goal to reach out to the poor in my community or to just be known by my privileged peers? I volunteered at a homeless shelter in my college town this semester and got to know several of the residents. They told me about their painful pasts, the poor choices they made, and the struggles they currently face. They asked me questions and I shared with them about my life. They opened the door for me with a smile on their faces when I arrived and would stand outside and wave to me as I left, telling me to drive safely. During my last day there for the semester they clarified that I would come back next semester, and I thought about how these kinds of reactions from the shelter residents were much more rewarding than if they were coming from my peers. I would much rather walk into a homeless shelter and have those people excited to see me than walk into a party to the same reaction.

I've changed my whole career path so that I can focus more on getting to know the least of these and help them as much as I can. So far I've been taking baby steps in my pursuit of them. As I come to know Jesus more, though, I understand that during his time on earth he spent most of it with the poor, the outcasted, the marginalized, the weak and I want to do the same. But I think we all can feel like the least of these in some way. Not everyone is physically poor, but what about spiritually poor? We've all heard of people who have tons of money, everything they could ever want and more, but they feel like life lacks meaning or as though they are isolated. Some of us are surrounded by people but still feel lonely. Some are trapped in addictions, tortured by depression and anxiety, stuck in grief after losing a loved one, or have relationships that are falling apart. I want to live a life that serves all of these, even if it's just through listening to someone who needs to talk, random acts of kindness to strangers, or even just a friendly smile. Whether I'm serving in a slum or doing one of these, it's these things that give my life a purpose because I am showing the love of Christ to the broken people that he loves so deeply, and that's what we're called to do.

"We are most alive when we are loving and actively giving ourselves because we were made to do these things."

- Francis Chan

I Believe What God Says, But Do I Trust It?

God's love covers us completely. I believe that, but do I trust it? God is redeeming us. I believe that, but do I trust it? As Christians, we have the power of God, the same that rose Jesus from the dead, in us. I believe that, but do I trust it?  

Have you ever thought about that? You can read the Bible, listen to sermons, sing the songs and believe every word, but when it comes down to application and seeing it all play out do we trust it all?

Jehova Rapha: God as Healer. Jesus heals people in the Bible, I've heard stories of people being healed, and I even know people who have been healed of something without any scientific explanation. So why is it that I have these strange (non-life threatening) health issues and I am not trusting that God is taking care of me?

The Gospel clearly emphasizes that Jesus came to earth to pay the price for our sins and bridge the gap between us and God, and I believe that. But am I trusting it when I feel ashamed of past mistakes; when I sit in my brokenness wondering how I can ever be good enough for Him?

I watched the documentary "Holy Ghost" where Todd White prays for healing for someone and they're  immediately healed, Jake Hamilton openly proclaims the name of Jesus in the streets of an Indian city known for murdering Christians who do such a thing, and Darren Wilson leads his crew into the temple of the Hindu god, Shiva, where foreigners - especially Christian foreigners - and cameras have never been allowed. All three of these scenarios are said to be impossible by worldly standards but are all backed by God's Word. God makes the impossible possible. I believe that, but if I were Todd White, Jake Hamilton, or Darren Wilson would I trust it enough to do the things that they did? 

I don't always trust what God has already promised and proved. My spiritual amnesia keeps that doubt alive when I need to trust the most, it seems; I forget the ways God has shown me I have every reason to trust He will reveal Himself in a situation because He always has. I doubt that my prayer over someone will have any effect, but I've prayed over someone for a job to come their way and the next day they got one. I doubt I can spread the love of Christ in unlikely places but I have done that in Colombia and Guatemala. 

Sometimes we find it hard to go beyond believing God to trusting Him; trust that He is transforming us and using us in ways that we can't wrap our brains around. I need to trust more in the power of God through His Holy Spirit and what power the Holy Spirit brings to me as a Christ follower. It's scary and risky. We wonder what happens if we do not discern a situation right and look like a fool to others. We don't want to let God down. I know now, though, that if we take a step in faith and in alignment with God's Word we will see The Lord right beside us. Just get out of the boat and trust! (Matthew 14:22-34)

God Closes Doors We Aren't Strong Enough to Close Ourselves

Anyone that knows me knows that I am not someone that dates much. It does not happen frequently that I have strong enough feelings for someone that I want to pursue a relationship with him. I have had some interesting experiences with guys, that I thought I liked, being immature and disrespectful. So when I started dating someone last year it was a breath of fresh air. He is kind, caring, smart, handsome, loves the Lord, and enjoys serving others. I couldn't believe how perfect he seemed. Things were going great, I thought - he even told me he was committed to me and the relationship. So early this year I was taken by surprise when he did a 180 and shut me out - no explanation, no actual conversation to end the relationship. I was hurt and confused. It made me extremely insecure as I over thought everything that could have explained what I had done to push him away. It had to have been something that I did, people don't just walk away for no reason.

I think the second part, people don't just walk away for no reason, is true. But I was wrong to put that blame on just myself. I'm not under the impression that I was the perfect girlfriend, but I did what I could to be the best I could be and the mistakes I may have been did not validate the overnight shift our relationship seemed to take. Looking back, I don't think it really had anything to do with me personally. But the lack of closure left me hurting for a long time. I wanted an explanation. 

I'm a huge fan of Kari Jobe and she released a worship album this year. While trying to figure out just how I was going to move on without the closure I needed, the song "Always Enough" became my daily prayer. I will find my life in You, You're always enough. Let the fullness of Your love be all I need. That chorus has become comforting to me in so many ways but a couple of months ago it also helped bring me to the closure that I needed. I was meditating on the words of that chorus and suddenly, one day, God just opened up to me all of the things that were not good for me in that relationship - red flags were everywhere. He was not the right one for me, he couldn't provide for me the kind of relationship I needed from a boyfriend and future husband, and I wasn't right for him. My feelings and emotions skewed my perception of the relationship. I think a lot of us paint a picture of what we want and if we're lucky enough to get it we think we found what we need, but God knows better. I wasn't strong enough to shut the door so God did it for me. I don't need any other explanation than that now and I don't want any other explanation anymore. I am at peace with knowing that God was, and always is, looking out for me and He didn't want something, that I thought I wanted, to get in the way of what I really need. He is enough and it is in Him that I find my life and my identity. The fullness of God's love is all I need, not the love of a boyfriend.

I wish I could say that with this closure all negative feelings that came from this situation were gone. There are times when it feels easy to forgive and others when it is hard. I felt as though I was disposable, easy to clear from his life like I never mattered, and that left me with the need to forgive. I felt bad on days when I did not feel as forgiving, when just a day or two before it felt so easy to do. Another lesson I have learned this year is that forgiveness is a process and it is something we have to choose everyday. I also understand that my struggle to forgive in this situation comes from having experienced similar hurt from other people in the past, and I cannot put all of that on this one person. I am a sensitive person and I am a slow healer. I value relationships in general and when they do not work out it can be disappointing. Having lost a friend to cancer, something completely out of my control, I always want to make sure I have done all that I can to keep a friend. Being aware that these factors come into play on the days when forgiveness feels hard is important for me to keep things in perspective so I am not placing blame from other things that someone had nothing to do with on them. God is keeping my heart soft and He is helping me in the forgiveness process. I don't think of what happened very often and I don't feel the hurt as anything more than a dull ache now and then.

I don't share this story to air any grievances with him, I am sharing because I know there are others who struggle with a door suddenly being closed in their own lives. I genuinely still care about this individual, and I know that he is a great person and man of God, but God has ended his part in my story for a reason. Even though he is not in my life anymore he slips into my prayers once in a while and I wish him the best and hope he is well.

Being Sensitive is Not a Weakness

With situations such as the one just described, being sensitive can feel like a burden. The more I delve into my future career in human services and have more experiences in Latin America being sensitive is feeling more like a strength. Being a sensitive person has helped me to feel for others and respond to what they are feeling and what they need. This has been a wonderful asset in Latin America where people are hurting deeply and just want to be heard, at the homeless shelter where the residents often feel rejected and looked down on, and with friends and family who are struggling with something and need someone to open up to. 

"Yes, I am sensitive, but I believe The Lord created me that way so I can have a soft heart that yearns to bear others' hurts and needs."

- Alyssa Bethke, "Spoken For"

Yes, I may over think things, take things too much to heart, and cry every time I watch the Lion King and Mufasa dies, but being sensitive is what has allowed me the privilege of connecting with people who are hurting so deeply. God gave sensitive people the ability to show compassion, to empathize, to sense different emotions in others, and to listen well. I think sensitivity is a strength in more ways than it is a weakness. Break my heart for what breaks Yours, Lord.

Community is Vital

I haven't had a whole lot of Christian friends until just recently. I'm talking about the kind of Christians that are living transformed lives in relationship with Jesus, not the Christians that just show up to church every weekend but don't feel as though they need Jesus throughout the rest of the week. I didn't think it was a very big deal though. I had some good friends that were good people but I didn't have friendships that were feeding me spiritually and I was struggling with that more than I knew. It wasn't until I made more friends that were Christians that I realized this.

I was hesitant to participate in the young adult ministry at my church at first. I had a weird experience in the high school ministry and assumed it would be the same. I'm not sure what it was that got me to go, finally, in the summer of 2013. But, I ended up going to Thursday night worship and small group on Sundays and I loved it. Everyone was so nice and welcoming and I connected in a way that surprised me. This past summer, I was asked to co-lead a small group and I joined the hospitality team to welcome people in and help newcomers to make connections as well. Through these experiences I met the girls that are now some of my best friends. I only met them in June but it feels like I've known them most of my life, and it is because they support my faith, encourage me when I need it, pray for me, celebrate with me, and love with the love of Christ. We all need people like this. We feel like we can do it on our own but we need to understand that God made us to be in community with one another. God Himself is a community; Father, Spirit, Son. He intended for us to lean on others and to be there when others need someone to lean on, to challenge each other in our faith, to grow in the Father together, and to go out into the world together to share God's love with others.

"Community is beautiful, and every one of us needs it. Without community we'll sink. And the only way to have true community is to be transparent. To share the stuff you think about at night as you go to bed. To ask the hard questions. To encourage, listen, pray for, and speak truth to."

- Alyssa Bethke

I continue to meet amazing young Christians through our young adult ministry. I've met some of the best people I have ever known there and am thankful for the community I have found there. I didn't even realize I desperately needed it until I found it. In the span of ages 18 - 25 the people I have met blow me away with their faith. Their trust in God knows no borders, they worship Him with abandoned, and love others so well. They make me better and encourage me in ways they probably don't even know. This community is one of the biggest blessings from God this year, because I think God made human relationships to be the most important things to us here on earth. The great thing about meeting more Christians is that we already have so much in common through Jesus. We love the same God and find our lives in Him, making us part of the same family when we even just meet. This has helped me to find community even in other countries. Some of my closest friends are in Guatemala and El Salvador. We have different cultures, different ethnicities, and speak different languages but we have so much in common because we are all part of the body of Christ and want to glorify Him with our lives. Jesus brings us into community and connects us globally like nothing else can.

So there are my top five lessons and things I have considered more heavily this year. God has challenged me to think more deeply about His messages and has shown Himself to me even in difficult circumstances. This year has been one of immense growth for me in my faith and I hope to carry the momentum into 2015. There is always room for growth and are new lessons to be learned. I encourage you, as this year comes to a close, to sit down and consider for yourself what God has shown you over the last twelve months. You may be surprised, like I was, and have numerous sheets full of evidence of God's work in your life. Even in a year full of struggles God still proves faithful and provides countless blessings. He's a good Father and I thank Him for all the ways He works in us. I hope this encouraged you to look for where God has been in your life. He is always there working in limitless ways, while we may only be aware of a few. 

Have a blessed Christmas and New Year.