Learning to Love Myself

It's a new year and time to kick off a new resolution. I'm usually not big on participating in the resolutions, mostly because they're forgotten about after about a month and a half, but this year it's time for me to address and lay at the foot of the cross something I have struggled with for far too long. "Resolution" really isn't the right word for it though. "Surrendering" is.

On the second day of the year I was at a worship gathering for the young adults of my church. We were given two verses to meditate on for a period of time and I was caught by Hebrews 12:1-3:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

The phrase that caught my attention immediately was, "throw off everything that hinders." I was feeling hindered. Negative thoughts towards myself have loomed for years but felt especially heavy the past month. I have struggled for years with feeling as though I am not good enough, like there are parts of me that are inferior and need to be fixed before anyone can really love and accept me. This hinders me in my relationships with others, but more importantly in my relationship with Jesus.

In my last post I referred to how I believe God but I don't always trust Him. God shows me, and all of us, how much He loves us every day. He sent Jesus to die for us so He can touch humanity and be in close relationship with us. He wants deeply to know us and loves us so immensely we will never fully comprehend it. I believe this, but I am struggling to trust this. 

In middle school and high school, friends would decide that they didn't want to be friends with me anymore. I would be left out of group plans with friends. Some told me all of the things about me that they didn't like and thought I needed to change, from physical appearance (which I had no control over) to personal characteristics - who I was as a person. Freshman year of high school a boy I didn't even know went out of his way to tell me I was fat and ugly. So it wasn't just one isolated event or group of people, it seemed to come from everyone including the people I thought were my friends and people I didn't even know. 

I hated myself for years and wished I could have been someone different. I constantly compared myself to others, wishing I could be prettier, funnier, more talented, smarter, thinner, more fun to be with…. When my parents took me along on my first short term trip, to Cartagena, Colombia, I was overwhelmed with love from the people we served. We walked into a slum and kids were fighting to hold my hand, men and women would offer me food and drink, which they barely had enough of for themselves, and they would be in tears just because we were there and spending time with them. I was blown away by the love these people showed me. They didn't care what I looked like, if I was smart or funny enough, or what mistakes I had made. They loved me right there as I was. The gospel came alive to me on this trip and I encountered Jesus there like I never had before. 

While the way I viewed myself improved after coming into relationship with Christ, I have still greatly struggled with feeling as though I am enough. People have still come and gone and I have still been criticized on many occasions. While I no longer feel the self hatred I felt as a teenager, there has been an ache for something more. I look at the friends I have and wish I could be more likable like they are, I see someone with the perfect relationship and wonder when that's going to happen for me, the girl that sat next to me in class already has her dream job waiting for her when she graduates and I feel a tinge of jealousy. This comparison is stealing my attention from what God has given me and has waiting for me. It drains my spirit and my joy in who Christ is and who he sees me as. Comparison is a nasty thing and has definitely been a hinderance.

"Comparison is the fuel of a victim mentality. When people look around and complain that someone else has a better spouse, nicer kids, a more fulfilling job, a newer car, or a bigger house, they feel like losers. Do you know what I think? Who cares what other people have? That type of thinking produces nothing good. As a matter of fact, this negative view is a brother to greed because it's never satisfied, and it's a cousin to envy because it never celebrates another person's success. We should celebrate people when they're promoted or win awards. We shouldn't waste time and energy complaining and comparing."

- Wilfredo De Jesus, In The Gap

This comparison has stemmed from my failing to recognize the value I have. God created me uniquely and has a plan to use me to play a part in His mission that no one else can play. When I don't see or care about this I'm not seeing God for who He is. I'm viewing the way He cares about me on the same level as the way others have showed me, or failed to show me. I feel as though I am not good enough for Jesus because the love others have shown me has not held up, and that is wildly inaccurate.

"It became clear that when I focused on the flawed love shown to me by humans and used that measurement to think about God's love, I was unwittingly making God human, but of course he isn't. He is holy. He is almighty, all powerful, and all knowing, and he is love. We can't measure God by any love, friendship, compassion, or loyalty that we have ever known. God is in a category all by himself. His love is true. He never changes. He is always faithful. Always patient. Always good. Always truthful. Always kind. He loves us. Always."

- Robin Jones Gunn, Spoken For

So in the year 2015 I am surrendering this struggle and laying it at the foot of the cross, declaring that enough is enough with these negative feelings towards myself. Not only am I criticizing myself, but I'm criticizing God's creation and telling Him He messed up on some things when He was creating me. God doesn't make mistakes. He intentionally made me to be the person that I am, loves me, and sees that Jesus's love covers me. This year I want to love myself and see myself the way God does. I want to stop comparing myself to others and shift my focus back to what God is wanting to do in me and through me. I no longer want the doubt I have had in my worth, feeling as though I am not good enough, to hinder my relationship with Jesus and hold me back from all He has for me; just for me.

"You ask me, 'What's the greatest act of faith?' To me it is to look in the mirror of God's word and see all my faults, all my sin, all my shortcomings and to believe God loves me exactly as he says he does."

- Paul Washer