After You

It's postseason Major League Baseball time. I'm a Cubs fan, so I stayed up Monday night to watch the Cubs game as they played the San Fransisco Giants in San Francisco. Because of the time difference the game started late here and ended late, as it went past the normal 9 innings to 13. If the Cubs won they would advance to the next round so I had to stay up and see what happened. The game ended at almost 3am and the Cubs lost, bringing about another game on Tuesday night. (For those of you who don't follow baseball, the first round in the postseason is the best of 5 games against the same team.) Once again, the game was fairly late. I was determined to stay up and watch, but staying up until 3am the night before on a work night got the best of me. I ended up dozing off, waking to a text from a fellow Cubs fan watching. I woke up at the very end, missing the Cubs comeback from being down 3 runs at the beginning of the 9th inning to win the game. God bless DVR, so I could rewind and see how the comeback transpired.

Watching a game when you already know the ending doesn't have the same thrill as watching it live and anticipating what the outcome will be. Monday night I didn't know the Cubs would lose, but dang was it exciting when Kris Bryant hit a two run homer to tie the game and send it into extra innings. Last night though, as I watched plays that had already happened, I knew good plays had to have taken place, so I wasn't surprised when I saw them. While I appreciated them they didn't carry the same thrill. Watching live, you take the good and bad plays as they come.

So why am I trying to anticipate the outcomes in my life instead of being content with it all playing out live? I want God to show me a sneak peak or assure me that the ending is good. 

I recently had to map out events in my life for our kids ministry at church, as they tell my story to the 2nd - 5th graders in correlation with the story of God fulfilling His promises for Abraham. While bulleting all of the important events in my life, what used to seem like a random mix of experiences and events became a list of things God used to prepare me for my current season of life. Some were good, some were frustrating, and some were downright heart breaking - some good plays and some bad plays. I never knew how it was all working together until now. But if I knew that I would be here, would I have felt the same joy in seeing God do incredible things only He can do or the desperate reliance on Him when it felt like everything was falling apart?

Yet here I am, impatiently wanting to know what lies ahead in my life instead of being content with it all playing out on its own. It can be difficult to wonder where you might end up living one day, who you'll marry (if you even get married at all), and what more is out there for your career - all of which are examples of what I've been trying to bargain with God on hints of. But if I knew all of this I would miss the growth and glimpses of God that He provides in the process of life. 

Another classic Jenn thing to do is to try to take control on my own so I'll get the outcome that I want. Ha! Funny how it never works but I still try. 

But God has taught me so much recently about the beauty in just letting each play in my life come, whether it's what I want or not. The job I had right out of college was draining and difficult to get out of bed and go to every day. But if I hadn't been there I wouldn't be where I am now, in a job where God opened every door for me to be in and I can better utilize my giftings. I needed the patience, discernment, and reliance on God that I learned in that time to be where I am now. God's hand in the process of bringing me through that time was so evident. As affirming as He has been to where He's brought me He also said to me right before I started the job that He had something bigger for me. And on my first day my supervisor said he knows I won't be in the position long because I have too much potential. I could try and figure out what that means now, or I could just take it one pitch at a time to see how it plays out. God has been pretty clear that the latter is the wise choice from previous experience. Not to mention it's more freeing that way - I don't have to stress about what's coming because God is already there, paving the way. I can fool myself into believing I can control it or I can surrender control to God who controls it all anyways. Instead of asking, "show me," I can say, "after You."

Funny as I'm typing this I'm listening to new Tenth Avenue North music and one of the songs is called, "Control."

"God, You don't need me but somehow You want me. Oh, how You love me, and somehow that frees me to take my hands off of my life and the way it should go. 

God, You don't need me but somehow You want me. Oh, how You love me, and somehow that frees me to open my hands up and give You control."

So this is one game I'm gonna give up DVR control over and see how it all plays out, one pitch at a time.