Mi Sustento, Mi Escudo
And it was only 8:15 in the morning.
On Tuesday.
And it did get worse. It can always get worse but we pray it doesn't.
There was anxiety in every realm of life, it seemed. Family, friends, money, health, work... why are they sometimes attacked all at once? Hard conversations, a call to State Farm emergency roadside assistance, emotional break down number one after receiving heartbreaking family news, a $700 visit to Discount Tire, hospital visits, a $600 visit to my car mechanic, financial deficits, unemployment that is starting to feel hopeless, friends suffering which broke my heart, emotional break down number two after someone asks, "are you okay?" It went on...
I know you probably know what this feels like. It happens to all of us from time to time, but as things are piling up it can feel isolating. And it doesn't help that my natural reaction is to withdraw from other people when I start to feel overwhelmed.
Our Outreach & Care team had our annual retreat this past week. I knew it would involve a lot of processing with others on my team when I really just wanted to be alone. But God knows there is a time and place for quiet, one-on-one time with him and a time and place for engaging with the community He has gifted us.
We spent the day going through Isaiah 40, and I wanted to share my take-aways in the chance they might be helpful to something you are currently experiencing or will experience. Through my individual processing with the Lord and in conversation with a few of those on my team this chapter of Isaiah has brought a lot of peace and encouragement.
"Comfort, comfort my people,"
says your God.
"Speak tenderly to Jerusalem.
Tell her that her sad days are gone
and her sins are pardoned."
- Isaiah 40:1-2a
I am prone to withdraw and shut people out when I am hurting, but God wants to use us to care for each other and encourage one another. I need to open myself up to others for the care and encouragement God might wish to provide through them. Isolation only leaves me vulnerable to attack. I don't have to be okay by myself, and I'm probably not okay alone even when I think I am. God desires for us to lean in to trustworthy, spiritual community and I need to allow myself to access it. Others can be messengers of the good news when my news is not good.
In return, I have a part to play in caring for others as well. God has shown me many times that there is healing in my own broken heart when I am present to those who also have broken hearts. "Just as bread needs to be broken in order to be given, so do our lives," says Henri Nouwen in Life of the Beloved. We connect with others in our common brokenness, and Jesus wants to work through the hurt, that He never intended for us to experience in the first place, if we allow Him to do that.
"What if instead of waiting for good enough things to happen to us, we could be the good thing to happen to someone else who's waiting? What if we could cure our own waiting room addiction by making room in our life to be the good others are waiting for?"
Yes, the Sovereign LORD is coming in power.
He will rule with a powerful arm.
See, he brings his reward with him as he comes.
He will feed his flock like a shepherd.
He will carry the lambs in his arms,
holding them close to his heart.
He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young.
- Isaiah 40:10-11
The same powerful arms that rule are the arms that hold me close to His heart. Our compassionate God is coming. Our sad days are gone and the Lord is here with comfort and gentle, tender love.
While life feels overwhelming and out of control, I can choose to rest and relax into the God who has compassion for me. He is ruling with a mighty arm that He is not slow to scoop me up in so He can hold me right against His heart that beats for me.
I could really just sit in this imagery of Jesus holding me, gently, right against His heart...feeling His warmth, His breath, and every beat of His heart. Does that not bring a bit of immediate relief to some of your anxiety? The contrast of the picture of a mighty and powerful ruler with that of a tender Father both belong to our God.
Has the LORD ever needed anyone's advice?
Does he need instruction about what is good?
Did someone teach him what is right?
Or show him the path of justice?
- Isaiah 40:14
God is the ultimate determiner of good and evil. I label things good or bad depending on whether they make me "happy" or "sad"/"angry"/etc. But just because something makes me feel good doesn't mean it is good, and just because something makes me feel sad, disappointed, or uncomfortable doesn't mean it is bad. I need to remember this as I'm judging something to be good or bad, because even something that has seemed bad has brought so much good and has obviously been best for me. God laces things that have brought pain with blessings and lessons. Just as Jesus told Peter, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand (John 13:7)," Jesus whispers this to me often in my confusion and frustration.
And the things that truly are intending to harm me God can use for good. I need a lens to see what God sees. In 2 Kings 6 Elisha and those in Israel were about to be attacked by the Arameans who surrounded them with horses and chariots and strong forces. Elisha's servant saw the army and was afraid, but Elisha said, "Don't be afraid. Those who are with us are more than those who are with them." And then Elisha prayed, "O LORD, open his eyes so he may see." So the Lord opened the servant's eyes, and he looked and saw hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.
O LORD, open my eyes so I may see. What the enemy intends for harm, transform into good to accomplish Your good plans (Gen. 50:20).
Look up into the heavens.
Who created all the stars?
He brings them out like an army, one after another,
calling each by its name.
Because of his great power and incomparable strength,
not a single one is missing.
- Isaiah 40:26
I said to God the other day that it didn't feel as though He was dwelling in the details of my current circumstances. But, if God can call out each star by name - not missing a single one - then surely He can call out every detail of my day without missing a single one. He sees them all and doesn't let them fall through the cracks. Just like He brings the stars out like an army He can bring His angels out like an army, as well, when we need help. God is a God of the details.
God's response to me was to show me how His hand, His powerful arm with which He rules, was in the details in the months leading up to the present struggles. He provided a second job for me to cover some unexpected financial realities. He provided a house with three wonderful, supportive, caring roommates who love me well in this time, while also pulling me out of a family struggle I would not know how to keep healthy boundaries with. He provided new friends in a new Bible study who have accepted me and welcomed me before trust has been shaken with others.
God equipped me with what I needed to be strong in the struggle. He took care of the smallest of details - so small I almost missed His orchestration of them.
The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth.
He never grows weak or weary.
No one can measure the depths of his understanding.
He gives power to the weak,
and strength to the powerless.
Even youths will become weak and tired,
and young men will fall in exhaustion.
But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength.
- Isaiah 40:28b-31a
I am weak and powerless but all God asks of me is to trust Him. I need to trust that He will protect my family. I need to trust he will heal bodies, minds, addictions. I need to trust that He will draw loved ones who do not know Him yet into relationship with Him at the right time. I need to trust that He will heal my anxiety and depression. I need to trust He will provide for my financial needs. I need to trust he will bring a great job offer to my dad. I need to trust He will mend relationship that need mending and will bring the right friends into my life. I need to trust He will heal my medical needs, the hole in a friends intestine, and the weakened artery in a friend's brain and the damage of the stroke she had because of it. When I trust I will find new strength.
When one thing after another seems to be falling apart it makes it difficult to trust. I've prayed some prayers for years and have yet to see Him come through - at least in the way I've been wanting Him to. It's hard to trust God when it doesn't feel like God meets me in bold prayers. It's even harder when things seem to be getting worse and not better. It's hard when I see God answering the prayers of others but not mine, or He blesses someone else with what I've been praying for while I received a "no" or a "not yet." I often compare, checking my list of answered prayers to someone elses, which is a great way to fuel disappointment and bitterness. It's hard when the enemy uses this disappointment as a foothold and begins to further scratch, claw, and tear away at my cracked heart with doubt and insecurities, negative thoughts about my worth, abilities and faith, "what-ifs" and "should-haves," and lie after vicious lie. But God is here.
I can cry out to the LORD for strength, peace, patience, and more trust. I can spend more time reflecting on His truths of who He is and who He says I am. I can continue to familiarize myself with His Word and all that He has done throughout history to care for His people - the Bible is the story of His constant pursuit of our wandering hearts. I can practice gratitude and focus on all the ways He has been faithful, including past circumstances where He has come through and provided - I often have what I call "spiritual amnesia," where my memory of past miracles gets fogged with the current need for a new one. I can lean into spiritual community.
I recently began an intentional practice of making my bed every morning before I leave the house (Thanks for the idea, Admiral William McRaven). I've always hated making my bed. My mom used to be quite frustrated with me, as she would ask me almost daily to do it and I rarely did...what's the point when I'm just going to unmake it again later that night? It sounds silly and menial, but on a day where it may feel like I wasn't doing anything right or I didn't accomplish enough on my to-do list or things just didn't go my way - I can at least say I made my bed...and that's something! If I did devotions like this every day then I think the compounded interest of the value and results of my spiritual life and faith could be beautiful. We have to build disciplines to build our spiritual maturity.
All of my struggles are still there but hope is too. Sara Hagerty tweeted this yesterday: "One of the enemy's greatest places to attack is our hope." I have to agree. Jesus gave us reason to hope and the enemy will do what he can to hold us back from embracing that hope. It is my choice if I fix my eyes and my heart on things such as this passage of Isaiah that remind me of who He is and the hope He provides or if I give the enemy the power to control my meter of hope.
I've been listening to Evan Craft, a Spanish worship leader as I type in a coffee shop. The lyrics in his song Montañas y Valles captured my heart as I write about remembering the truths of who God is, which I will leave you with as my last word of encouragement for whatever you might be facing.
Por sendas de paz (By paths of peace)
Me acompañas (You accompany me)
En las alturas tu presencia ahí está (In the heights of your presence)
Tú me sostienes aún en los valles con tus promesas (You hold me still in the valleys with your promises)
Eres mi compás (You are my compass)
Eres mi guía (You are my guide)
Entre las olas Tú mi ancla firme estás (between the waves You are my firm anchor)
En la obscuridad Tú permaneces (In the darkness You stay)
Estás conmigo (You are with me)
Eres el rey de majestad (You're the King of Majesty)
Mi principio y mi fin (My beginning and my end)
Mi sustento, mi escudo (My sustanence, my shield)
Mi esperanza y mi vivir (My hope and my life)
Y las montañas y los valles se arrodillan ante ti (And the mountains and valleys kneel before You)
Señor eterno, Mi padre y mi Dios (Eternal Lord, my Father and my God)
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