Palms Up

Most of the time I don't realize how tightly I'm holding onto something until I have to let it go.

Then I'll usually play a game of tug of war that I have no chance of winning, because I'm stubborn and I don't like change.

The last six months have been full of change and shifting life circumstances - some by choice and some out of my hands - and that continues to be the case. It's been a season that has reminded this control-freak that she has very little control.

The last four or five years I have read the book of John leading up to Easter (John has a personal, emotional, and loving way of sharing the life of Jesus which, as an Enneagram 2, emotions and love are kind of my jam). I've grown up reading the stories of Jesus's ministry that are told in the Gospels, some in particular feeling as though they've been hammered into my brain. One of those that I've heard, read, and discussed many times is the feeding of the five thousand people with only five loaves of bread and two fish in John 6. This is one of those stories that I have vivid memories of being told through flannel graphs (the best way to learn about Jesus back in the 90s) in Sunday school as a kid, and ends up being one I tend to "skim" through. But this time something caught my attention that I don't recall paying much attention to before.

Jesus then took the loaves, gave thanks, and distributed to those who were seated as much as they wanted. He did the same with the fish.

- John 6:11

Hold on. 

Five loaves of bread...2 fish...5,000 people....and He gave them as much as they wanted.

Maybe it's because I could probably eat 5 loaves of bread ("I love bread!" - Oprah) and 2 fish by myself yet Jesus is taking this and distributing it to 5,000 people and says they can take as much as they want, but my mind was kind of blown. Seems like it would be a good time for rations.

But God gives abundantly. God is a God of abundance, not scarcity. I look at my life and I have more than enough of anything I could possibly need, and He has gone as far as to ask me how much I want. He makes a way when there is not a way and blesses us with even more than we need. 

However, verse 12 follows and Jesus tells the disciples to collect what was uneaten.

When they had all had enough to eat, he said to his disciples, "Gather the pieces that are left over. Let nothing be wasted." So they gathered them and filled twelve baskets with the pieces of the five barley loaves left over by those who had eaten.

- John 6:12-13

What originally catches my attention is that Jesus took a minuscule amount of food and not only fed 5,000 people with it but also ended up with 12 baskets of leftovers. Which is miraculous and incredible. But when I read it this time I noticed that while the people were allowed to take as much as they wanted, and Jesus allowed it, Jesus asked for the extra that was taken to be recollected. 

While Jesus provides in abundance for us, there will come a time where He will ask for us to surrender it back to him.

Jesus knew that the people would take more than they could consume, and He allowed them to do so. He allowed them to experience and be in awe at the abundance provided by the God that loves them and wanted to give extravagantly to them. He wanted them to see that He can take something seemingly small and stretch it to go beyond their means. But after they realized what they needed, Jesus asked for them to return the excess. 

And so He does with us.

Some of the things God has asked for me to return to Him recently have been hard, even painful, to give back to Him. Friends, jobs, serving opportunities, time, money, health... It hurts when you realize that, in following Jesus into the next great thing, He asks us to surrender back to Him what we don't need to carry into that next thing. I like the blessings He gave me in past seasons, I've grown comfortable with what He has blessed me with. I don't want to let go.

But in letting go of what we don't need He frees space in our hands, in our hearts, to receive what we do need to continue forward.

Before I truly started following Jesus I remember singing, "He gives and takes away," in a song at church, and I remember thinking, "Well that kind of sucks. Thanks a lot, God." My mom always told me it was rude to give something to someone just to demand it back. But as I've surrendered things I've loved back to God I see what this lyric means. He has blessed me in ways I couldn't have received if I had held too tightly to what had been.

Even when He takes away, He doesn't take back what I still need. It might feel like it sometimes, but even when He takes things I think I need He is returning my dependency to Him - He asks me if He is enough for me. And He always is.

I still play tug of war (almost daily, in fact). Over the last several months I cried many tears and tried to negotiate with God, which seems silly when I look at where He brought me. He loves me too much to keep me from something I don't yet know is the best thing for me. And following Jesus requires sacrifice. I think it's often true, in my life, that if I'm not sacrificing something then I'm not being obedient to the Lord.

There is still an ache in my heart for people, places, and experiences that I miss deeply. But God has been reminding me, with the softest and sweetest voice as He draws me close and tight into His arms, that an ending leads to a beautiful beginning - that surrendering leads to joy-filled receiving. He is blessing me abundantly beyond what I can see and understand, just as He always has. And with that, He is loosening my tight grip on these things He is asking for me to return back to Him until I'm palms up before Him.